Parenting a middle schooler (while staying sane)
Who knew this would be so tricky?
👋Hello, my friend. Kind of a specialized edition of the newsletter for you today. If you’ve got a middle schooler in your life, this may resonate with you. If not, don’t worry… we’ll be back to our regularly scheduled programming next time. I’ve got a bunch of thoughts swirling around my head about VO2 max, body composition and everything I’m currently doing to improve these metrics and more, so that’s coming soon. In the meantime, let me try to add some value to the lives of parents (like me) struggling to make sense of the wild mood swings of their 12 and 13-year-olds.
Ep.29 - Phyllis Fagell - Parenting Middle Schoolers - How to Survive & Thrive
I have to admit - when my son moved up to the 6th grade and middle school this year I think I underestimated just what a big change it would be. Not only did the difficulty of his school work increase but there was also a massive increase in responsibility… having to manage 7 or 8 teacher relationships instead of two, balancing nightly homework and long-term assignments with sports and extracurricular activities, and even just seemingly simple stuff like switching classes from one period to the next and remembering which notebooks to bring.
If that wasn’t enough, why not add some hormonal changes to the mix… where half the grade look like second graders and the other half have mustaches and look like they’re ready to drive. Oh, and then there’s technology. The battle to get the phone. The inappropriate text chains with friends. The non-stop urge to be on Fortnite or YouTube. And of course there’s the whole noticing the opposite sex for the first time thing and operating (usually) with very bad information on a topic (sex) they increasing want to understand.
I’ll be honest. It’s a lot to handle. And that is exactly why I was so excited to find Phyllis Fagell. Phyllis wears many hats, including - licensed clinical professional counselor, certified professional school counselor, author and journalist.
She is the author of two books (which I really enjoyed):
Middle School Matters – The 10 Key Skills Kids Need to Thrive in Middle School and Beyond – And how parents can help (2019)
Middle School Superpowers – Raising Resilient Tweens in Turbulent Times (2023)
In this episode of the podcast, Phyllis and I go deep on all of the big issues that parents of middle schoolers stress about: technology, puberty, relationships, and more. I found it incredibly helpful. I hope you will, too.
Check out the timestamps below:
(6:31) – Managing the academic transition to middle school
(10:52) – How to think about grades
(14:44) – Managing procrastination
(18:12) – When the teacher “doesn’t like” your kid
(21:47) – Teaching kids to self-advocate
(25:32) – The importance of keeping the conflict down at home
(26:44) – Helping kids manage puberty and “the talk”
(33:16) – Telling your kids about your own failures
(34:55) – The pain of social relationships gone wrong
(39:13) – How friend circles can and do change
(43:10) – Helping kids develop empathy
(44:56) – Technology and when to get a phone (maybe never?)
(54:14) – Strategies for protecting kids’ mental health
Top 11 takeaways from Phyllis Fagell
I need to give this episode another listen myself because Phyllis had some fantastic advice to share. Here are a few things that stuck out to me.
You may think they didn’t hear you when you said “Maybe you should think about studying for your test early this week because you have practice every night.” But they did. They’ve filed it away. And they will actually learn - probably the hard way - what happens when they procrastinate.
Middle school is often your “last best chance” to influence your kids in so many ways because once high school arrives they’re not around as much and friends become a primary influence in how they think about many parts of their lives. This one made me a little teary-eyed to be honest.
Try not to criticize a poor test result immediately. Your kid already feels crappy about it. Better to say “I’m sorry that didn’t go well for you.” And come back once emotions have cooled to come up with a strategy for next time. Kids are already insanely stressed about the long-term (getting into college, etc.); anything parents can do to make middle school seem like “lower stakes” is actually a good thing.
Your kid probably isn’t the laziest person on Earth, the most heartless or tone-deaf person Earth, or a complete pscycho/sociopath even if they may seem that way on any given day. What they are is someone whose complete world is changing, is under a ton of pressure, whose brain is developing and who has tons of crazy hormones coursing through their body. We can’t hold them to the same standards as adults even if sometimes it seems like we should.
You can still succeed with a teacher you don’t like (and/or who you think doesn’t like you). Often kids view the relationships as much worse than they are. And learning to work with someone you’re not best friends with is a skill they’re going to need in life.
One girl may be wearing make-up and look 16, another still may be playing with Legos. It’s important to remember that a 12-year-old is developmentally a 12-year-old and we should treat them as such.
Be open to the difficult conversations - especially about topics like sex - when your kid is ready to discuss them. Settings with less eye contact (driving, shooting hoops) can make these feel lower stakes for the kid.
Share your failures with your kids. Your relationship failures. Business failures. Academic failures. Whatever. They see you as the polished adult version of yourself and by comparison think they must be terrible. Let them know how tough it was for you, too.
Relationships are ephemeral. From 7th to 12th grade, only 1% of friend relationships are still intact. In the first year of middle school, only 1/3 of friend relationships last from Fall to Spring. This is actually a really good thing. Feel like they’ve got the wrong friends? Something went terribly wrong in a friendship? Time should quickly heal these things.
Set age-appropriate rules and policies upfront when it comes to technology. You need lines in the sand communicated in advance. Could be things like: No devices in the bedroom, or “I never text after 9pm”, etc. Every family is different but setting boundaries upfront helps to avoid conflict and helps the kid to manage expectations with their friends, too.
Be mindful of symptoms of poor mental health but stop saying “are you okay?”… instead, just be around. Peak your head in their room and ask if they need a snack. Being available in a low stakes way can make kids more likely to open up.
There’s a ton more so give the full episode a listen if you want all of the wisdom bombs Phyllis dropped. I’d be interested to hear which ones jump out for you.
Content Diet
Finally, a special edition of the Content Diet today. In our conversation, Phyllis mentioned a ton of great resources for parents struggling to help their kids navigate everything from hormones to mental health. Below I’ve gathered all of those resources in one place. I hope there’s something in here that may help you.
Amaze.org – ways to talk to your kids about puberty
This is So Awkward – Modern Puberty Explained (Natterson, Bennett)
Boys & Sex, Girls & Sex (Ornstein)
Growing up in Public (Heitner)
Social Media Wellness (Homayoun)
Cyberbullying.org
Stress Busters Workbook (Hurley)
The Emotional Lives of Teenagers (Damour)
The Confidence Code for Girls (Kay, Shipman, Riley)
How to Talk to Kids About Anything (Silverman)
The Self-Driven Child (Stixrud, Johnson)
The Addiction Innoculation (Lahey)
Finally, finally… if you’d like to check out my full interview with Phyllis on YouTube, here it is!
Thanks for reading. I’ll be back in two weeks!
Greg